"Listen to the desires of your children. Encourage them and then give them the autonomy to make their own decision"
Denis Waitley (b.1933 American author)
"The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears..."
Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
After 51 blog posts over the past 2 1/2 years, I've pretty much taken you on a journey through my life, my family, my travels, my joys and, every once in a while, an uncontrollable rant. If I offended anyone for the latter, I apologize. At least you know where I stand on some issues! I'd like to take a different road now, not only to avoid the creative dry spells I've encountered, but to discuss my observations of our society and of our world.
When I was in college, my creative writing professor, a successful author, in his own right, of notable short stories (and a few un-notable novels) would always start the class by encouraging us young aspiring writers to write about that which we know, to remain comfortably familiar with our plots and topics and to remain authentic and believable. I have tried to remain true to that cardinal rule over the years in various attempts at newspaper columns and editorials, essays, and yes, even a rare short story.
So...what am I most familiar with? For starters, children, their health and development, and parenting come to mind after a long career in Pediatrics. Beyond that, not in any particular order, history, music, political science, health care policy, etc. Definitely not mathematics or physics, two subjects that were my downfall in life.
In considering a topic for today's blog, I was struck by how much I see parents controlling the outcome of their children's lives. Don't get me wrong...I have no problem with parents guiding and shepherding their child towards a life of productivity, ethics, civility and happiness. I'm more concerned that present day parenting has pushed childhood into later ages than we've seen in previous generations. My hypothesis is, therefore, that more intensive, intrusive parenting has prolonged the state of childhood well beyond the traditional "coming of age", resulting, in effect (and strictly in my own opinion) in a continuous parental "nanny state" that is impeding our young people in their quest for independence.
I'm not alone in this line of thinking. We've all heard of the phenomenon of "Helicopter Parenting" and the "Snow Plow Parent". This all came to a head last year with the recent college admissions scandal where parents of great means were either paying a third party to help them cheat on SATs and other college entrance criteria, paying off admissions officers, and even turning their couch potato kids into star athletes for athletic scholarships. This "hovering" or "plowing" style of parenting results in the parent knowing all the minutiae of their child's life as well as that of their peers and infers a degree of control that impedes a child's ability to make decisions and develop into an independent, competent young adult, affecting their education, their job market and life decisions in general.
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| They've since added Snowplow parent...no explanation needed. |
Our colleges and universities have responded in kind...but in two very different ways. One is the gentle (and sometime not so gentle) manner is how they deal with parents. At Cornell, there is a red line on the path to the hockey arena where new freshmen register for courses, with a sign: "NO PARENTS BEYOND THIS LINE". At the University of Chicago, they've now added a SECOND bagpipe procession at the end of opening ceremonies for new students. The first is to lead the students to another orientation event, the second is to usher parents away from their kids! The University of Vermont has hired "parent bouncers" whose job is to keep hovering parents at bay, and many schools have appointed an unofficial "Dean of Parents" just to wrangle the grown-ups and communicate throughout the year about their concerns.
The second response on college campuses is to create "trigger warnings" where students are cautioned if they are about to be confronted or exposed to content in readings, classes, films or speeches they may find upsetting and, therefore, shielding them when they hear threats or ideas foreign to them, or when they feel offended. Students have rallied against the presence of speakers who present an opposing point of view and colleges have ushered some of these guest lecturers off campus. To my mind, the university should be a locale for free thought and speech where opposing viewpoints can come together in a civil manner.
Much of this "coddling" response to today's parenting styles came from the idea that all children, in building their self-esteem, have to be rewarded by everyone getting a trophy for the most minimal of achievements, a part in the school play, or playing for the team. Disappointment or adversity were not options nor was the development of coping skills to deal with them. Grade inflation is now rampant in some of our "finest" schools and, if you read the local newspapers, you would wonder if there was no one on the school's honor roll.
Our university counseling centers are seeing more students arriving with anxiety, depression and ADHD with many of them on psychotropic medications. They often find they're unable to make decisions about their scholastic and new found communal life on campus. While they might have been a perpetual high school honor role student, they now find they're one of many average students at the university level. The resulting disappointments can often throw them off kilter.
Parent involvement can get out of hand beyond just living vicariously through their child and, perhaps, bringing the parents the successes and joys they, themselves, might never have had in their youth. It can also give them bragging rights to make themselves feel better at the expense of other parents. I have had friends who have actually filled out their student's college application, written the admission essay, or barged their way into the college interview. One person knew all the SAT scores in their child's class and to what colleges their classmates had applied! There are even stories of parents going with their college graduate to job interviews and negating salary.
My impression is that this is a generational issue common among Millenial parents and they're growing involvement in their kid's lives. They, in themselves have parental anxiety that reflects off their offspring. With smaller families and less children, parents are investing more time with them. Modern technology and social media keeps them in constant contact with their children. The cell phone has become an "electronic tether" between parents and their college age students, in essence, a persistent umbilical cord. The age of 18 no longer represents emancipation in any real sense, parents feeling the need to protect their emotional and financial investment in their children.
I could write for several more hours on this topic but I will spare my reader. For further reading, I wrote a paper on this a few years ago that I would be happy to share if you have further interest. There are many interesting articles out there. One, in Atlantic Magazine, by a mother who is also a therapist was titled "How To Land Your Kid in Therapy: Why the Obsession with our Kid's Happiness may be Dooming them to Unhappy Adulthoods". You get the idea.
In closing, I will admit that there IS a middle ground between hovering and support. What we DO know, however, is that when parents ENGAGE and GUIDE their adolescents with a light but steady hand, staying connected but fostering independence and responsibility, their children develop a sense of competence and, generally, do much better in life. The parents of today and in the next generations will benefit greatly from those in their communities who can impart the common sense, sensitivity, emotional intelligence and warmth needed to be successful in this endeavor.
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